I’m not going to say I’m afraid of horses. I’m not afraid of horses… that would be ridiculous. Horses are great… love ’em.

I have an “understanding” with horses. An agreement, as it were. It looks a little like this:

A [Rob] will not go near B [Horses]

So long as

B don’t scrape the flesh off of A’s bones with their scary shovel shaped teeth.

I love animals. I have a dog, I’ve rescued cats. I’ve signed the petitions against animal cruelty… I just don’t like horses… so sue me.

I understand that not every animal has to be cuddly or living room ready… but a horse isn’t just any animal, is it?… its a pet.

OK… OK… now I know some of you are screaming “No, no! Wrong”… But excluding farmers… who among you are using your horse as a form of power, transport or food? If you do ride a horse, you generally ride it to exercise the animal and because you find it amusing. What you are riding, is a pet.

If you like the horse as a form of transport you may like other forms that have been popular since the 1900s. Cars, motorcycles, trains… I recognize the smell wont be quite what your used too… but you can always stop showering. Perhaps you may want to take other pets for a ride… hamster driven roller skates for example.

When my dog starts shopping for groceries, I’ll update his status, but for now, hes a pet too. Don’t tell me your horse is “more than that”. It’s not. What is it? livestock?

Its an animal you keep for companionship, because you like to have one. An animal you keep for the sake of having something to take care of… because it compliments your life… Pretty much the definition of a pet, if you ask me…

…What’s that? You race it and jump it too? Awesome… you’re racing and jumping your pet, congratulations.

Now we’ve cleared that up, let’s look at the horse as a pet…

I simply cant imagine anything worse than having a horse curled up on my lap while I’m watching TV. I imagine it would feel like a hairy bag of car parts… not to mention smell like a pigs armpit.

Let’s not even begin to talk about the inconveniences of a horse begging at the table.

Really, I only have one frame of reference… So, I’ll compare with my dog…

  • horse2My dog has an expressive face… a horse’s face is as expressive as a botched botox injection.
  • My dog attracts “awww”, “he’s so cute”, “he’s so well behaved”… A horse attracts flies.
  • My dog is clever… running, jumping, eating and shiting is not clever…


I know that by some freak of genetics, your horse is the cleverest, cutest and most affectionate animal in the world… so maybe its just my opinion when I say that, for me, horses are as smart, cute and cuddly as goldfish.

I do that occasionally when I lose my train of thought… or rant

So maybe it is fair to say I’m a little afraid of horses. But I’ve never really had the opportunity to ride one…

I’m sure some day in the future someone will get me to do it… I’d like to loose the fear, and I’ll appreciate having my opinion changed… but until then, horses…

The “understanding” stands.


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